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Toxic Mother-In-Law? 5 Ways To Win Her

9 min read
Sometimes I feel like grabbing my toxic mother-in-law by the collar, hit her head on the wall, and leave never to look back. She has stolen my peace. My relationship with my husband is at stake. I don't know what to do!
Best weapons to fight a toxic mother-in-law

Even without giving up on your marriage, you can earn respect from your toxic mother-in-law

You’re probably trying to be the best wife to your husband. The thought of your toxic mother-in-law, however, sucks. You dread moments when you cannot avoid seeing her.

In Priscah's words:

"Sometimes I feel like grabbing my toxic mother-in-law by the collar, hit her head on the wall, and leave never to look back." She has stolen my peace. My relationship with my husband is at stake. I don't know what to do!"

You love your husband! I bet you aren’t going to quit your marriage because of a third party!

I pretty much agree marriage is between two consenting partners. Every married woman will agree with me. It's the mindset at the onset of marriage.

Nobody can convince you otherwise either!

God, Himself said it!

A man shall LEAVE his mother and father, and get united to his wife (Genesis 2:24)!

Who am I to say otherwise!

Solutions to the never-ending mother-in-law drama
Bring the toxic mother-in-law to life.

When your toxic mother-in-law is too nagging, something is not right somewhere! Either she’s the problem, her son is unable to implement barriers, or you just haven’t understood her yet!

Back in your mind, you’ll always be like, “she’s meddling in our privacy.”

You have headaches and heartaches because of your toxic mother-in-law. It somehow messes up your relationship with your husband. Over time, none of the three of you will be happy!

Now, do you want to know how to live happily without bothering your toxic mother-in-law?

Herein are ways in which you can turn around the whole scenario for the good of all of you.

How to Make Yourself Happy Around A Toxic Mother-In-Law

The structure of the human mind makes us feel other people should dance to our tune. It can take ages trying to convince someone to adjust to fit in your shoes. By the time you realize it’s only but draining you, several years have slipped away.

Before you know it, you’re dwelling on regretting the wasted years rather than working on solutions. By the way, husband/wife relationships are also guilty of trying to force adjustments on the other. Today it’s the mother-in-law’s turn to suffer hiccups. Let’s leave your husband alone for now.

What if you altered something small to accommodate your toxic mother-in-law irrespective of her toxicity? 

The evil one does not approve of any good.

If you’re having feelings of not reading further, he’s the number one suspect.

You want to progress.

He’s up for a permanent division.

The Catholic Church advocates for a lifetime marriage. That toxic mother-in-law is important in this whole plan. Assume she is your mother. Would you want to miss out on her blessings? Remember, when your husband misses it, you miss it too! For you to live long and prosper, you've got to try your level best to put a smile on your mother-in-law's face!

How do you do it?

Have you ever known the devil uses the closest person to wreak havoc? 

I’m glad you’re here to mend a rapport, not to break. Scrutinize these 5 points. Your relief could just be lying deep inside one or all of them.

Find Out the Cause of Your Mother-In-Law’s Resistance Towards You

You need to dwell the most here.

Caution!

Don’t ask anyone.

Read between the lines. Most likely, your toxic mother-in-law does not behave badly by choice. Consider the presence of underlying health conditions, especially her mental state.

mother in law thorns

Many people grapple with mental instability that they do not even know exists. Most of it is a result of painful life experiences. You need to be careful not to worsen her state. Take a back step to the first time you met her, and begin to walk your mind forward to date. You’ll surely get an answer.

Did She Dislike You from The First Day She Met You?

If she hated you from the word go, she is probably suffering from an inner wound. Her parents, siblings, mother-in-law, or husband may have rejected her. I mean, the group of people who matter the most in anyone’s life.  

Have you heard of the phrase “once beaten, twice shy?” If your toxic mother-in-law has a painful past, you are likely a victim of circumstances.

Your toxic mother-in-law probably did not get healed of her hurts. You need to stand in as the vessel God is using to heal her. By the way, rejection makes the affected person view everyone as a suspect. She finds it difficult to let go of her son. He must have been her shoulder to lean on. Now she feels she’s losing him to someone else.

toxic mother in law 2
Go to heaven with a toxic mother-in-law.

Never try to play this dirty game, sandwiching your husband between you and his mother. He honors his mother. Handling cases that touch on both of you is too delicate. The worst you can ever do is to keep reporting his mother to him. Remember, she could be doing the same.

Then what happens!

Considering you are not a blood relative, he’s likely to take his mother's side. Can you see where that takes your marriage? Even if he chooses to support you, you still get affected. It would mean he has to dishonor his mother and perhaps talk to her in an unfriendly way. Either way, you will suffer the consequences.

Remember, the curse of a mother does not always reflect as such. You're safer knowing how it creeps in through the back door.

With this simple guide, you’ll save the entire family.

Better safe than sorry.

Before we get to the method, let’s look at the second possibility of her source of dissatisfaction.

Has she developed a negative attitude towards you over a period?

This one has less to do with your toxic mother-in-law. It has more to do with you.

How did you swerve into her home?  

The first impression never dies.

Could you be bringing in your inner wound?

Are you too controlling?

Do you vent on her when her son hurts you?

Are you against your husband supporting his parents and siblings?

How do you relate with your in-laws?

Do you know they discuss you as a family? That’s how love or hate spreads from one to the other, depending on their personalities.

I agree you are not perfect. You cannot please them all the time. If you can scratch your husband's back, and that of your mother-in-law, you’re good to go.

I’ll show you how!

Just have this in mind. God cannot bestow upon you what you cannot handle.

Once you have answers to the above questions, base your relationship with her on your findings. Change where you need to.

How to Win Your Mother-In-Law through Your Husband

Help your husband love and support his family. He is the one who invited you to that family. The others will either accept or reject you. You have the power to entice them to appreciate you. Your only medium is your best friend in that family, your husband.

Best weapons to fight a toxic mother-in-law
Even without giving up on your marriage, you can earn respect from your toxic mother-in-law

Your toxic mother-in-law can turn out to be the best when she notices you are for the progress of her other children.

If you do not work towards shining some light upon your in-laws, they might become your permanent dependants. They will marry and get children. Without enough resources, they’ll need your help to sustain their children.

Considering you are Catholic, the teachings will run in your mind and never give you peace. 

Why not give your husband's siblings a fishing net while they are still alone so they can permanently be able to catch fish for their kids? Won’t they respect you and chip in when you will be in need?

If your husband is relaxed towards making their lives better, find an amicable way of convincing him to do so. A decade or two later, he will praise you for your noble idea. He’ll not have to say it, but his actions will be a reflection of his gratitude.

It does not mean you’ll never disagree. Occasional disagreements are part and parcel of every marriage.

Avoid Discussing Your Stubborn Mother-In-Law with Anyone

The first anyone is your husband.

If you discuss his mother with him, you’ll have stepped on a live electric wire. Try to picture what would happen if you practically got caught up in such a situation! Your husband’s adrenaline races abnormally.

Why?

I said that earlier; the blood ties!

You might not like your toxic mother-in-law, but remember, her son cannot change her! It’s even worse if he’s extremely protective of his family. He’ll defend his mother. Once you’re left alone in a foreign home, you’ll get frustrated. His siblings and other relatives will behave the way your husband does. If he respects you, they will. They may not like you if their brother doesn’t.

Your husband is the one who protects you in their home. His unfortunate absence will trigger what he left behind. Have you ever heard of relatives demonizing a widow after the death of her husband? One of the reasons could be the widow herself, although not all the time. It can be extremely hard to crack the whip in some cases. With authentic power, you will always win.

And how do you grab the power? Catholic Charismatic Renewal will keep you bumper to bumper with the necessary tips.

Consider yourself as your mother-in-law’s baby. She deserves the honor you give your parents. Let her not read disgruntlement on your face.

The other group of people will boil you up and disappear in thin air, leaving you to bear the heat alone. Once they smell the wind of a broken marriage, they'll not want to see you. These could be your relatives and friends.

Trying to be good to a toxic mother-in-law does not mean you’re lying too low. You’re only trying to better the future. Do you know what some of your friends will tell you? “You’re bending too low.” Watch out for such inciteful words.

The things you do today are likely to replicate in the future.

And who is the future? Your children!

How to Prepare Your Children, for when you will be a Mother-In-Law

We become mothers-in-law sooner than we expect. Our children will acquire mothers-in-law too. How do we expect their newly acquired moms to treat them?

The story of Naomi and Ruth intrigues me. Naomi is a true example of the best of mothers-in-law. Even if yours is not a copy of Naomi, you have the potential to emulate Ruth’s example.

Ruth's son Obed, was the father of Jesse, who was the father of David (Ruth 4: 13-18). Jesus is a product of David’s family tree.

We get married to strangers, but we have the potential to leave permanent marks when the unavoidable happens. Because of the humble Ruth, we have Jesus for life.

Remember, Ruth was a Moabite. Israelites were sternly warned against relating to Moabites. What if Naomi’s family decided to send Ruth away? The Lord’s plan wouldn’t take effect! When you are not living up to the Lord’s expectations, you alter His plan!

God expects you to persevere and take responsibility for your actions without blaming anyone. Whether they smacked you or not is not the Lord’s business when referring to you. Did you take it positively, or hit them back? It’s God and you. How God deals with them for their mistakes is their story, not yours.

Summary

Your husband is the most important person to you in his family, followed by his parents. The rest will fit in based on your relationship with the top three.

Your mother-in-law will treat you on her experience basis at the beginning. You’re the only one who can maintain it or change it.

You are in a position to convert a toxic mother-in-law into a version of her that will shock everyone.

If you don’t mind, please share your opinion on this delicate topic in the comments.  

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